I had a request to start a blog where you could weigh in on thoughts about a movie based on The Merchant of Death and to discuss casting. This isn’t to say that a movie is imminent. It isn’t. But I’m working with some folks to develop one now, so you never know. (Just don’t hold your breath!)
So, here’s the blog. Have fun.
BuggyReality says:
Uhhh I don’t think I did.
ChodeOfHalla69 says:
8======D ~ ~ ~ ~
( . Y . )
Holly says:
@silvermisty
Thanks! its fine, im happy you just said it! 😀
GOCLORAL says:
Happy b-day Holly! Listening to Blink-182. They are my new favorite band! It used to be Avenged Sevenfold, wait I take that back. I like them both equally. Here is the second part of the first chapter of that book I’m writing.
GOCLORAL says:
Okay, my laptop still isn’t working. I’ll post it later tonight.
Batu Warrior says:
Blink 183 is pretty good. I’ve been listening ot them for a very long time. My favorite bans/artists are the fray, scars on 45, mumford and sons.
Batu Warrior says:
*bands
melanie says:
Ive been really busy lately, Its exam week and Im studying like crazy so I was wondering if you guys heard anything?..(please say yes..)
Challenger Black says:
@Melanie
About the movie? If so, then yes 🙂
If you look at Courtney’s post just a little bit up the page, you can read DJ’s response. Very exciting stuff.
melanie says:
Wow. That is very exciting stuff. 🙂 That honestly made my day:) im so happy now!!
Challenger Black says:
@melanie
Yeah, it made my day too 🙂
melanie says:
Im so happy now. I honestly can’t stop smiling. My cheeks hurt
GOCLORAL says:
I asked D.J. if he was having an open audition. I’m still waiting on a reply.
Wanna know what’s pretty? Fruit cake. All the different colored fruit living together in one cake.
Batu Warrior says:
@ GOCLORAL
Well, that was extremely random. Are we just saying random things? Because I have a ton. Butterflies taste with their feet. 😀
GOCLORAL says:
@ Batu Warrior
No. I was watching That 70’s Show, and Kitty, Red, and Donna’s parent’s got high off of Hyde’s ‘special’ brownies. That’s what Kitty said.
GOCLORAL says:
Okay, I figured out how to post my book on here without it wanting to dissappear. I’ll be back soon with a book.
GOCLORAL says:
Okay, here it is. The first oficiall two chapters of my book. All I have to do now is hook up my laptop to my computer and copy and paste it on to here.
Batu Warrior says:
@ GOCLORAL
Ohhhh…….. But it is still random…. 🙂
GOCLORAL says:
To be honest, I’ve never seen or eaten fruit cake. 😉
Batu Warrior says:
Yeah me neither…..
Challenger Black says:
Me three, though I’ve always wanted to 🙂
melanie says:
Ive always kinda wondered what it tasted like, I never had it before either
Holly says:
Haha yeah same here! it seems kind of gross
@GOCLORAL
How was your birthday?! Mine was awesome! Did you get the iPod you wanted? 😀
EelongCatfolk says:
The taste depends on how it’s made. I’ve tried several different styles of fruitcake, some were delicious while others……not so much. There are so many variables involved in making fruitcake (which is why I’ve heard many people call it the Mathematician’s favorite dessert (you’d think pie would be, but it’s not lol))
@Holly
I didn’t wish you a happy birthday O-O I’m so sorry! Happy (late for this year/early for next year) Birthday, Holly. I feel bad now, I wished GOCLORAL a happy birthday, but not you. I’m glad to hear you had a great birthday.
@GOCLORAL
I like the first part of your book, can’t wait to read the rest. Can you tell me how to get a book on here so that I can post mine?
Batu Warrior says:
I love how we talk so seriously about fruitcake 🙂
HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY TO YOU BOTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😀 🙂 😀 🙂 😀 🙂 😀 🙂 😀 🙂 😀 🙂
Flume of Doom says:
The Julius Ceaser Song. PART I.
(To the tune of Joy to the World)
Look out, the mighty Ceaser comes,
Let Rome proclaim his pow’r!
He Conquered parts of Gaul and Spain,
Inspired fear, inflicted pain,
In his most glorious hour, In his most glorious hour,
In his most, In his most glorious hour!
See now the might-y hero reigns
His foes are at his feet,
The senator victorious
Ascended empor’r glorious
To sit and drink and eat, to sit and drink and eat,
To-oo si-it, to si-i-it and drink and eat!
He rules the World, with fists of Iron,
And makes the nations prove,
The depth of their treasuries
By paying his outrageous fees,
And taxes if the Realm, and taxes of the Realm,
And ta-ax-es, Ta-a-axes of the Realm!
Challenger Black says:
@Flume of Doom
That’s impressive! 🙂
EelongCatfolk says:
@Batu warrior
I know, right? lol GREEN GUMMY BEARS!!!!!! O.O…….great, now I want gummy bears >-<
@Flume of Doom
It's okay…the words (mainly near the ending of the stanzas) don't match the tune. If you take out the second to last line at the bottom of each stanza ("In his most glorious hour, In his most glorious hour", "To sit and drink and eat, To sit and drink and eat", "And Taxes of the realm, And Taxes of the realm") it works.
EelongCatfolk says:
@Flume of Doom
I don’t mean to be rude or anything. After reading my post I realize it sounds kinda harsh. I meant for it to be constructive criticism. It’s really good ^-^ Funny, creative.
Challenger Black says:
@EelongCatfolk
Same here! I haven’t gummy bears in so long…now I’m craving them. Green gummy bears FTW!! 🙂
Batu Warrior says:
Mmm gummy bears…. >.<
Challenger Black says:
And gummy worms 🙂
Hmm…gummy bears v.s. gummy worms.
melanie says:
I prefer gummy worms 🙂
Challenger Black says:
Same, especially the sour ones.
Holly says:
@batu warrior
Thanks!!!!!!!!
@eelong cat folk
Haha it’s ok! It’s the thought that counts so thanks! 😀
AND…….. I love sour gummy worms the most!!!!
Batu Warrior says:
I see how it is… I STILL LOVE YOU GUMMY BEARS!
SilverMisty says:
Hey guys! 🙂
I’ve been really busy lately…
For gummy bears, sorry but I only like the calcium/sugary ones.
And as for fruit cake, I’ve never really tried any.
I like how you guys talked about random stuff like that 🙂
@Flume of Doom: epic poem
@Holly: great that you enjoyed your b-day 😀
@Gocloral: hope you had an awesome b-day too 😛 and keep on writing! Your writing is great—I wish I could say more and maybe edit but I have a lot to do.
@Challenger Black: I read your stories on the fanfic over winter break, but I never got to tell you.
so…
I like how you portrayed the scenes and how you made LaBerge into a great character. (I’ve never really thought he could be like that…just that he was sort of cynical)
Courtney Chetwynde says:
I love GUMMY BEARS!!!!!
Flume of Doom says:
@ Eelong Catfolk
Let me explain.
Original; Joy to the world, the Lord has come (8 syllables)
Mine; Look out the might-y Ceas-er comes (8 syllables)
O: Let earth re-cieve her king (6)
M: Let Rome Pro-claim his pow’r (6)
O: Let fi-e-lds and Flo-o-ds, Rocks hi-i-ils and pla-i-ns (16)
M: He Con-quer’d parts of Gaul and Spain, In-spi-red Fear, In-flic-ted pain (16)
O: Let Heav’n and Na-ture sing (6) , let heav’n and na-ture sing (6), Le-et He-av’n, Let He-a-ven (8) and na-ture sing! (4)
M: In his most glo-rious hour (6), In his most glo-rious hour (6), I-n hi-is, In hi-i-is (8) most glo-rious hour! (4)
Same for the rest of it.
EelongCatfolk says:
@Flume of Doom
Ahhh, I see now. It makes much more sense now ^-^
I have to say Gummy Bears are my favorite since they’re the gummy snack I grew up on, but they have to be the true blue original Gummy Bears, the ones you have to chew on forever and make your jaw hurt, not the ones where you can chew them in half in one bite (I call them yummy bears; they’re still good, but it’s just not the same.) And they have made sour Gummy Bears, I’ve seen them before. Don’t get me wrong, I still like Gummy Worms, I just like Gummy Bears more lol
Batu Warrior says:
Haha, I love our debates on random things. 🙂
Challenger Black says:
@SilverMisty
Thanks! Glad you liked it.
Haha, random things are always the most fun to chat about. You can always find something to chat about…even if it’s the most random thing 🙂
GOCLORAL says:
Thanks Eelog Catfolk. I’ve been trying to post the rest of it for a while now, but my laptop hates me so it’s been post poned. This is all I can say for now. He is really close to getting a date with a girl he likes, found a key that is going to change his life forever, and has a best friend who is goth.
@ Chalenger Black
I enjoyed your book too. I liked how when LeBearge and the girl, who’s name escapse me at the moment, kissed. Even though they were made fun of. That was such a sad/ sweet moment.
@ Holly
Yep, a pretty awsome b-day. No ipod. 🙁 but that’s alright. I got the game I’ve been asking for and some stuff for my kindle.My whole basketball team took me out for Gigi’s Cupcakes. Home of probobly the world’s largest cupacake. Then, after volleyball practice, two of my friends took me to frozen yogurt. The highlight of my birthday was when my parents took me out for dinner at Casa Blanca, which is a really good Mexican resturant. Well, after I finished my hot dog dinner, if the resturan finds out it’s your birthday you get a whipcream facial and a dessert. Well, they accidently brought the dessert to the wrong table, but when we finally got everything sorted out, I got my whip cream facial.
Challenger Black says:
@GOCLORAL
Thanks! Sad and sweet was what I was aiming for.
That’s pretty awesome you got a game and all. Sounds you had a pretty fun birthday. Cupcakes, frozen yogurt, Casa Blanca…sounds pretty sweet! The whip cream facial sounds like something I’d like to have done 😛
Holly says:
Wow! That seemed like a fun/busy day! Sad you didnt get an ipod, but what you got instead seems cool!the whip cream facial seems like a funny thing to do. My birthday wasn’t nearly as busy as that! But I got a surprise party from my friends, (I knew about it tho cuz they’re bad at keeping secrets!) went ice skating, and then went out to dinner with my family. Seemed like we both had good birthdays! 😀
SilverMisty says:
@Challenger Black: I like how you said that GOCLORAL had a pretty sweet b-day 🙂
and…I like sad & sweet stories.
@GOCLORAL and Holly: I’ve never gone ice-skating or had a whip cream facial, but your b-days seemed like a lot of fun! (I would love to plan a surprise b-day party—seems awesome to do:)
Flume of Doom says:
I wrote the part for Slick Mo Two toe, my brother Quig Pig wrote the part for Newt Soapointyhook.
THE REVENGE OF SLICK MO TWO TOE
Newt Soapointyhook:
So here we were, in the middle of the ocean, in a storm, but that is irrelevant because most everywhere on Tempest is in the middle of the ocean, and the weather has always been: rain, hard rain, harder rain, or really hard rain; and lightning and wind are constants too.
And the boat? Our noble transportation slash fishing device, the Loose Cannon was sturdy enough. (Imagine the Orca in Jaws)
And the inhabitants of the boat? There was myself, of course, Newt Soapointyhook being my name; there was the Captain of the Loose Cannon, Fincracker was his name, he was a old Japanese guy with a limp and a constant scowl that made a bystander like yourself think he had a bit too much raw sea urchin on his sushi; and then there was my worst enemy on the face of Tempest. Slick Moe Two toe.
There might not have been so much enmity between him and I, (and I and him), had it been the course of Fate not to have him as the skipper on the Toeless Ted the day my father had been out fishing with the crew of that particular vessel. Funny thing was, even though Slick Mo said the boat was attacked by a giant tuna, every other man on the crew came back alive, and not one mark could be found on the boat excepting the charred spot induced by Slick Mo’s ever-present flamethrower. And it just so happened that the next day, I saw the low-lying scum digging in the beach sand looking periodically at a scrap of paper my father always carried. To the villagers’ astonishment, he found, later that very day, the treasure of Bootlick Bob, the man who everyone on Back Crack Island tried to claim ancestry from.
Now with the treasure, and a cheesy speech about how brave my father was and got killed by a giant Mackerel (which nobody seemed to realize wasn’t a giant tuna as he had said earlier), he got a bit of a reputation. He started to make friends. Which in itself is only a problem, but once he gets friendly with Needa Hero, my girlfriend, let’s just say the fact that I carry a two foot long filet knife is not working in his favor.
A couple days ago, I was about ready to challenge him to a round of Single Combat, which has rules that state: No Killing, No Mortally Wounding, No Kicking the Groin.
Of course, all I was thinking about was trying to find a way to break all three of those rules at once. On the way to go call him out, I ran into Dave of the Cave. He’s the boss around these parts, with a beard and a Pirate Eyepatch, and a bottle of Drunk Trunk beer. It appears that Slick Mo Two Toe had something he was angry about, as he stomped hard across the ground, hard enough to leave footprints two inches deep; and when a hermit crab had the misfortune to cross his path, he stepped on that too. Not seeming satisfied that he was doing a good enough job of venting his spleen, he pulled out his flamethrower and blasted the flat crab until it was a little pile of black ashes.
Slick Mo spat on the ashes, and growled “I’m gonna KILL it! I’m gonna kill it so good that it’ll be DEAD! D-E-D! Dead!â€
His hat, which was made of a dried fish head, shook so violently as he spoke that I don’t think a real fish could shake that much if somebody tried to drown it in a tank of gasoline; make that burning gasoline.
“Well Mr. Two Toe,†Said Dave, “I will add you to the Extermination squad then, if you fell that strongly about it. Needa would be proud, I’m sure, to have a brave man like yourself avenge her death.â€
What!?
Dave of the Cave obviously saw my incredulous expression, and said, “Oh, Newt, did you hear? The fishing party sent out this morning ran into a few problems. The only survivor was a poor bum in a inflatable life raft who escaped… He told me that the fishers were ambushed by a classic sea monster, all of them ended up on the Other Side, including your friend Needa. Before I got a chance to ask him what the monster was, he convulsed and died of a poisoned wound on his shoulder.â€
Who dies of a wound on the shoulder?! If Slick Mo had been the skipper when it happened, I wouldn’t have thought twice about what probably really happened, but since he wasn’t…
Dave continued, directed at Slick Mo, “Such an act of bravery will bring honor to the…uh…Two Toe Tribe. May your toes be enough for whatever you might need them for, and your flamethrower not run out of gas. Now, set off to avenge your beloved!â€
His beloved? What a quack! A quack with not enough toes, methinks…
“Now wait one minute!†I snarled at Dave, “But if you kind gentlemen don’t mind my interpolation-“
“I mind your interpolation!†Interpolated Slick Mo.
“Oh yeah?†I started at the fish-headed toe-lacking no-good usurper.
“Needa was My girlfriend, and SINCE she was MY girlfriend, I think the one doing the avenging of the deaths should be ME!â€
“Oh yeah?†began Slick Mo, “I was the one who found the treasure of Bootlick Bob, and by virtue of finding the treasure of Bootlick Bob when you couldn’t, Needa decided the chances of having intelligenter offspring could be increased by joining the Two Toe Tribe! So since I was intelligent, I think the avenger should be none other than ME!â€
“You stole my only friend!†I exclaimed.
“Maybe the phrase ‘only friend’ tells you something!â€
“You killed my father!â€
“Your father killed my uncle!â€
“Why do you care about your uncle; he cut off eight of your toes!â€
“It’s a tradition!â€
“So is avenging your own girlfriend! Not letting your enemy do it; that has to be pretty dishonorable!â€
“Needa was my own girlfriend!â€
“Not before she was MINE!â€
That was about the point in our discussion that Dave of the Cave suggested that we both go. The imposter assented, so I did too, hoping to get a good excuse to throw him overboard. We Met with Captain Fincracker, and the mission of the Avengers so began.
Slick Mo Two Toe:
We were sailing across the turbid seas of Tempest, seeking restitution. Now, avenging people is a pretty good pastime ‘cause you get to kill stuff and stuff like that. But the goodness factor gets taken down a notch when you’re stuck on a boat with your worst enemy on the planet, and there’s a creepy old guy watching you like a giant squid watches a sperm whale. Yeah, that’s right, the old man may be afraid of me ‘cause I carry around a blowtorch and like to kill stuff, but I still don’t think he’d just set around doing nothing while I turned that sponge-sucking, mud-slurping, addlebrained low-lying liar Newt Soapointyhook into a walking cinder. So I had to put up with both of them… For now.
Now Newt and I may not have been so mean to each other as often if his –BEEP- of a father hadn’t killed my uncle Chopinhop over a poker game. Yeah, that’s right; Newt’s dad was a bit of a drinker back in the day, with a stash of Drunk Trunk beer in the kitchen, in the bedroom, in his boat, and even in the bathroom. So the two were just playing a harmless game of poker like they usually did (and like most people have a habit of doing when the’re inebriated), and Uncle Chopinhop says: “Well, I have my winnings, I think I’ll call it a day.†But Newt’s father didn’t like that very much, not one bit, in fact, cause ha had gotten a little careless with his dough under the influence…and let’s just say his pockets were a few ounces lighter than when he came in. So he says: “O no you don’t! It’d be a thing akin to cowardice to just walk out like that, before the 47th round!â€
But Uncle Chopinhop says to that, “But you don’t got nothing to bet you old sham!†“I got this!†said Soapointyhook, holding up a piece of yellow parchment, “The missing piece of the map to Bootlick Bob’s infamous treasure of doom!†“Where the –BEEP- did you get that?†Asked Chopinhop. “Does it matter?†asked Soapointyhook. “All right, but just one more round: half of mine versus that map of yours.†Said my uncle.
They played it out for a few minutes, and the state of things came out to be that my uncle won fair and square, a Mackerel Run over a Lifeboat Soup, but old Soapointyhook wouldn’t relinquish his treasured family heirloom that easily. When Chopinhop demanded his winnings, old Soapointyhook pulls out a pair of gutting shears and swent for my uncle’s throat. Yeah It’s true that Uncle Chopinhop cut off eight of my toes when I was a baby, but he did it out of tradition, because Flip Bo Two Toe lost eight of his toes in a fight with the last remaining colossal squid, and all of the Two Toe Tribe has honored him by cutting off eight toes of all of his male descendants. So I had nothing against my uncle, but killed he was anyway. So due to the ancient tradition of avenging on Back Crack Island, I went after Newt’s Father.
Once I was of age to command my own vessel, I made sure to include the old man in my crew. The rest of it I made sure to hire from the Two Toe Tribe, and the Tan Man Clan, which was an ally of the Two Toe Tribe. My reasons were obvious. Once out at sea, the beasts of the depths got a good toasty snack. And I conveniently got the added bonus of getting the map back.
That map had some pretty good uses, including the fact that I was the only person on Back Crack Island who ever found the Treasure of Bootlick Bob, and you can probably guess why. No one ever mentioned to me what the treasure might be, though, and let me tell you, it wasn’t what I expected. You see, Bootlick Bob was kinda loopy during his life, and nobody ever knew quite why. Well, I think I may have found out. The treasure chest that the map led to was full of some sort of white powder, and when some of the idiots who were disappointed in the treasure threw a handful in the ocean, the fish within a mile of there all did weird stuff, like spin around in circles, and swim upside down. I never really figured out what it was, but some lowlifes on a boat made out of a hollowed out giant bass offered me a good sum for the stuff.
After that, I had some dough to spend, and my fortunes improved too. While sauntering around one day on my new ship, the Spike, I got noticed by one of the local bystanders, Needa Hero. She told me she always admired the Two Toe Tribe, but that didn’t set well with Newt Soapointyhook, the son of my uncle’s killer. Apparently, he had been courting Needa for a time, and since he hated me so much, he managed to do me the special favor of making my boat a little less waterproof.
The next time I set sail, well, that voyage kind of reminds me of the Titanic. I got mad. Real mad. So I did everything I could to get him back, including taking Needa to the Two Toe base which he isn’t allowed in. Her and I got to be pretty close, only to the avail of my being pretty upset when she took a dive with a sea monster, and without an oxygen tank.
Bloop.
So that’s how this whole Avenging thing got started, and you know the rest…
Newt Soapointyhook:
Ha ha ha. So we were sailing across the sea, and I was getting pretty board just sitting on the stupid boat waiting for a sea monster that may or may not exist. Of course, I had my own good reasons for being bored just sitting on the stupid boat waiting for a sea monster that may or may not exist. If we did find it, I was gonna kill it. Bam. That’s what you do to avenge people’s deaths. You kill stuff, which was fine by me.
And that’s when the thought hit me, as I looked out at the heaving gray abyss over the gunwale, and listened to the sporadic peals of thunder like maybe God had had a bit too many beans. If I was sitting on a little boat in the middle of the ocean, with my worst enemy; and killing stuff wasn’t a problem…
Ah, but that’s when I remembered. The witness, captain Fincracker. Should I kill him too? Not if I wanted any chance of making it back to Back Crack Island alive. No, if I wanted to get rid of Two Toe, I would have to make it look like an accident.
I started to think of ways to accomplish this, when the Captain shouted in his gruff not very good English “The Beast been seen! The Beast been seen!â€
Slick Mo Two Toe:
The stormy seas sloshed our pathetic little boat quite wildly. But did I worry that the pathetic little boat would sink? Not Quite. Boats on Tempest were built in such a way that any water that got in, got out pretty quickly. No, what I was worried about was that Imbecile Newt Soapointyhook looking absently into the distance with his countenance displaying the evidence of a scheming mind, and his hand absently tracing the grooved handle of his two foot long filet knife. He just had to be up to something. So I decided the most interesting plan of action to be that I would be up to something too.
I was then hit by the most wonderful idea. If I was going to be up to something; why not make that something planning the untimely demise of my worst living enemy? So I started thinking.
I could run up to him and throw him overboard… No, not bloody enough, and besides, the old Fincracker would see that. I could burn him with my rather ubiquitous Flamethrower… Now that was a good idea, except that the Captain could see that too… But maybe, if I knew where the nut would be standing, I could soak that spot with boat fuel, and then light it from a distance, causing my mortal rival to either burn to death (pretty entertaining) or jump over the side doing the Wilhelm Scream into shark infested water (also pretty entertaining).
So I got up off my butt, and inconspicuously walked over to the spare gas cans, big metal drums of gas, and started harmlessly taking the top off of one.
Before I could pour any out, however, I heard the Captain shouting in a Japanese accent; “The Beast been seen! The beast been seen!†And Newt ran over to the prow to get a look at the horrendous creature.
BOOM! A Mighty force jolted the boat, knocking the Captain and Newt to their knees, and the open barrel of fuel out of my hands. Boom! The force of the impact tipped the boat halfway over, sending the barrel of fuel rolling into the open bilge hatch, and I let out some rather colorful remarks about that. I could hear the voice of Captain Fincracker shouting, “Newt! Tie off harpoon and make ready pressure launcher!†I noticed that even though the barrel of fuel was out of sight now, that it had rolled across the deck right beside the harpoon, leaving a puddle of considerable size right where Newt was standing! Ha! BOOM! I was knocked off my feet, and my head hit the wheelhouse which I had been using to steady myself. “-BEEP-!†I cursed, seeing stars…
Newt Soapointyhook:
“Newt! Tie off harpoon and make ready pressure launcher!†Shouted the Captain after the beast struck the second time. I scrambled to my feet, and rushed to the Harpoon at the bow. I chanced a look over the railing, to see naught but the surging gray water. “What the…†BOOM! The unseen force struck the boat again, causing me to fall over; yes, again. Trying to get up, I slipped in some oily stuff on the deck, cursing and scowling, and finally got up and grabbed the harpoon.
I’ll avenge you Needa, I thought, and then, while my brain was on the topic of avenging things- BOOM! I was knocked to the ground for the third time, slid across the oily deck cussing like a sailor, (which I guess I was…) and hit the wheelhouse wall hard. But not too hard, because the unconscious body of Slick Mo Two Toe was there to cushion my crash.
Sploosh.
And then I remembered my previous train of thought, about avenging things, and thought, I’ll avenge you, father. I slid my two foot filet knife halfway out of its case, when the captain yelled, “Tie off Harpoon! Tie off Harpoon!†and that’s when I had an even better idea. Grabbing a conveniently placed fishing net from the side of the wheelhouse, I wrapped the unconscious body of my enemy tightly in it, and then tied off the harpoon. Not to the gunwale or the wheelhouse, but to the net containing Slick Mo Two Toe! HA! This was gonna get good…
Slick Mo Two Toe:
So I woke up. Apparently I had knocked myself out in the little slip I took from the boat being hit by an invisible force. I mean GET REAL.
But you wanna know what was even weirder? Do ya, huh? It was that I was tied up in a fishing net, and the fishing net that I was tied up in was tied to the rope that was tied to the harpoon that was loaded in the pressure launcher which was pointed at the tumultuous abyss! Now if that wasn’t the most original attempt on my life I’ve ever seen, I don’t know what is! And then I remembered the state of things between me and that Newt Soapointyhook, and I realized what was going on. That slaaaaaah dog! He got me monologueing! I reached through the netting, and looked over by the harpoon. “There it is!†Shouted Newt.
“Well, shoot it!†Screamed the captain. Oh no.
BOOM!
Newt apparently had his aim thrown off by the impact, because he used some choice words that would make the guy who operates the beep thingy go crackers. I knew that if he had a shot before I could get free, I was one dead duck. So I reached for my flamethrower.
A few seconds of careful burning later, “There it is again the –BEEP- -BEEP-ing –BEEP-!†“Finish him!†screamed the captain!
I stood up, out of the net, and saw Newt’s reflection shine upon the deck; reflected not in water, but in the puddle of gasoline he was standing in! It was now or never.
My grasp tightened on the handle of the flamethrower. My thumb hovered dangerously close to the little red button that would spray out the mighty toungue of flame that would be Newt Soapointyhook’s last sight of this cruel world, and his first taste of Hell.
I’ll avenge you Uncle Chopinhop, I thought, I’ll avenge you, Needa.
Newt Soapointyhook:
The beast was in my sight. A strange wave broke above its back, occasionally receeding enough to just barely reveal that the creature’s integument was not cast of scales or slimey, classic monster skin; but fur. The accursed creature drew closer. I lined its black silhouette up with the devilishly honed tip of the harpoon, which was tied to a net containing Slick Mo Two Toe; the source of all my troubles. The waves crashed against the hull of our boat. A cacophonous sound of thunder issued forth from the turbulent firmament above. Just a little closer. I mused as I watched the dark shape come yet nearer. HA! “Shoot it! Shoot it!†yelled Captain Fincracker with a anxious grimace like the old Japanese always get when they’re exited. “It needs to get closer so I can get a clear shot!†I bellowed right back. “Shoot It! Just-“
CRAAAAACKKKWHOOOOSH!
I barely had time to jump out of the way, before the deck beneath my feet transformed into a roaring inferno! “WAHAHAHAHAHA!†came a familiar voice. How? How could it be!
I stumbled backward to avoid the flames, and my foot caught on something. “AARRRG!†Growled the captain, who jumped to the harpoon launcher despite the flames, “You won’t escape me, YOU FURRY BASTARD!â€
I realized what I stepped in. Captian Fincracker, whose soaked sea-cout was now consumed by flames, screamed something in Japanese, and pulled the lever to fire the harpoon. “NOOOOOOOO!†I screamed, with the net tangled around my feet. But it was too late. The rope uncoiled. I turned to face Slick Mo, who was laughing with reckless abandon. “Two Toe…†I whispered with so much hate as a preacher has for the devil; and whipped out my Filet knife, my hand shaking with pure hatred, and I threw it at him. The rope went taut.
I was yanked from my feet with the full force of a charging rhinoscerous. I was dragged across the blazing deck at about two hundred and seventy miles per hour, and screamed, “DAMN YOU TWO TOE!!!â€
Bloop. (Someone forgot to do the Wilhelm Scream…)
Slick Mo Two Toe:
He was gone! Really, truly, GONE! I couldn’t believe it, it was so fantabulous! Newt Soapointyhook, the BANE of my Existence, was DEAD!!!
Flames licked across the deck in my direction, threatening to burn me to a pulp, but I didn’t give a –BEEP-! All I could do was laugh with joy. I had avenged both Needa and Uncle Chopinhop, with one well-placed burst of flame! Two birds in one stone!
Meanwhile, the only witness was throwing his deep-fried self over the gunwale, followed by a tail of flame! “AAAEEEOOO!â€
HA! Make that THREE birds in one stone! I Laughed, and I laughed.
Now, the Revenge of Slick Mo Two Toe was COMPLETE!
“TRIUMPH! VICTORY! GLORY IS MINE!†I screamed at the top of my lungs, and then laughed some more! I was perfectly aware of the movement of the flames down the stream of fuel that led into the engine room, where the barrel had rolled; but it was NOTHING!
I laughed some more, shooting bursts of fire from my flamethrower into the stormy sky, shouting with undistilled elation “THE REVENGE OF SLICK MO TWO TOE IS COMPLETE! TRIUMPH!â€
The engine ground to a halt, followed by a sudden increase of temperature. Do you think I cared? Clue: NO!
Newt Soapointyhook:
Down I went. Down into the gray abyss, dragged by that dark creature which I could not identify. Its blood left a red trail through which I was pulled. The water grew increasingly darker. Darker. Darker.
Air. What I would give for one more breath of air!
What a fool I’d been. Air.
Dark shapes surrounding me swimming down deeper. Yet deeper. Air.
That my life should end for trying to end a life seemed fitting; perfect, in a strange way. The ocean floor. I had forgotten to do the Wilhelm Scream. Oh well, another failure to add to the list that led me here. My lungs burned. Threw the knife at Slick Mo. Damn him. Can’t get untied. Dark shapes gathering towards the thing dragging me. Low, baleful tones through the water. What I would do for another breath of- And then I saw on the ocean floor, a pair of rotting carcasses. One human, one beast. A rope. The long ghastly hair of the human blew aside in the current. Needa. I had avenged her, hadn’t I? To die avenging as the avenged had died? I didn’t have long. The pressure of the ocean bore down on me. Maybe I had enough air to get that Wilhelm Scream in anyway…
THUD.
From the ocean surface far above, I saw a flash of light. I had had my revenge. I entered the void.
The Witless Witness, Issue # 38,973 Month 13, Year 609,874,325:
Headline: Monstrosity Skeleton Found off Crack Back Beach.
Citizens of Back Crack Island; the skeleton found earlier this morning on the sands of Back Crack Beach has been positively identified as a Netfin, or Giant Platypus. Giant Platypuses are dangerous. Please do not get your children by a Giant Platypus. Please do not enter the water with a giant Platypus. And if you DO happen to fall in, do something like stop, drop, and roll. Or something.
Obituaries:
Fatman the Great.
Dead.
Bouncer Bill.
Found with a bottle of Drunk Trunk Beer imbedded in his cranium.
Dead.
Slick Mo Two toe.
A brave lad, Mr. Two Toe died in the humble service of us, the helpless citizens of Back Crack Island, while on a very important and honorable mission of avenging the dead. May the ocean grant his soul a hero’s rest, may our children all aspire to be as great as Slick Mo Two Toe.
Newt Soapointyhook.
Let us take hear that there are men like Newt Soapointyhook in this world. For Newt Soapointyhook was a HERO, who died while undertaking the highly honorable quest of avenging the Dead. His Body was found, tethered to the Giant Platypus that washed ashore this morning, his face set resolutely as stone, and his hands around the rope holding him to the abominable creature. BRAVERY like that shown by Mr. Soapoinyhook is worthy of the highest commendation, and shows how pure and courageous this young man must have been to give his life for the welfare of Us.
Captain Fincracker.
Although he never really did anything useful in life, (which also appears to be the case in his mission…) He deserves our condolences as a lazy old man who just happened to be on the same boat as Slick Mo Two Toe and Newt Soapointyhook. (see above.)
Batu Warrior says:
@ Holly
My friends threw me a surprise party too! The weeks before the party I was getting kind of mad, because they were all avoiding me. Apparently my friend had been planning it since July. And the party was in December. But it was really fun 🙂
EelongCatfolk says:
@Flume of Doom
That was an entertaining story lol Well done ^-^
EelongCatfolk says:
@Batu Warrior
yep, that’s one of the biggest clues that something is going on: your friends randomly start avoiding you for no reason. Something similar happened to me a couple years ago, people started acting really weird whenever I was around, it was close to my birthday, so I was getting excited, then a week before my birthday, I left school, I could tell that day was going to be the day that the whatever was going to happen, I was really happy ^-^……..and I got hit by a Chevy >-< after that everything went back to normal